2022 is here and although twenty-two waltz its hopeful eyes through my door, I am still gathering the gold of twenty-one. I can still see twenty-one sashaying down the drive way in its New Year’s Eve floor length sequence dress toting an expensive yet empty duffle bag that held the lessons it was hell bent on giving me.
I closed out the previous year with some valuable lessons and surprise open wounds. I know, the urge to say we leave a year bringing nothing, but positivity and growth is customary almost sacrilegious not too. A lesson I truly value of twenty-one is, “I am not a superhero. There is no S on my chest." My wounds or issue don’t heal at the speed of light. I’m not solving the mystery at in between commercials or at the end of thirty minutes or have a suspenseful cliffhanger with me walking boldly towards the danger or adventure at the end of every series. My life accomplishments do not prioritize me sacrificing myself above choosing myself. Twenty-one did not handle me with care. It wasn’t meant to. I have spent my life making uncomfortable comfortable I’ve even managed to make the trauma look desirable like a Steve Madden heels on sale at DSW. (Ladies you know what I’m talking about.)
Twenty-one sat me in the opposite spectrum of peace and happiness. I couldn’t bury my sadness, grief, anger, confusion or disappointment at the bottom of my stoic well-crafted deep breaths and “I’m fine” mantra. When I tried twenty-one would hit me again and my deep breaths became gasp for air. My mantra replaced with calls for help.
The acceptance of me needing help led me to acknowledging everyone I wanted to be in my life might not be who needed to be in my life. My anxiety surrounding what I could open up about around my family and friends became the alarm to evaluate who exactly was a part of my life and why. Let me tell you that reality check hurt. There are some people you believe will be there with you in your darkest hour and there I was, and they weren’t. Let me not fold the responsibility solely on them. I am responsible too in how our relationships were built. The ones I let go in love they may we find our way back in a healthier way. While others twenty-one allowed me to close those doors permanently and with force.
There is so much value in not living your life in a state always turning a frown upside down.
Hell, I’m sorry Michelle being the bigger person and rising above isn’t always the best approach. I embraced that in some people’s stories I will be the villain. If it means standing up for myself, by all means let me work on my villainous laugh. Twenty-one taught me I can’t save everyone, and everything isn’t worth saving and even when it is...you might not be able to. I learn to hold onto the people who got me. That if you build a support system based off love, honesty, vulnerability and trust you can fall apart on a random Tuesday and your people will show up with no strings attached. Not to force you to suck it or quietly take pleasure in your downfall. No they will lay on the floor with you. Embrace you and encourage you to let it out.
Praise has always come being the doer, fixer, hustler, problem solver the independent one no one has to worry about. While I am capable. Believe me I spent 35 years being capable of being all those things. I do no longer live in that persona and suffer.
The insane outcome of twenty-one is that I perfectly sculpted the skeleton key to unlock my pandora box. I spent years trying to heal without acknowledging this box. What is clear is twenty-one didn’t offer shortcuts.
I am watching twenty-one descend down my drive way and I quietly wish it could have witnesses me opening the box. Like I said I am not a superhero. There is no s on my chest. My wounds or issue don’t heal at the speed of light. I’m not solving the mystery at in between commercials or at the end of thirty minutes or have a suspenseful cliffhanger with me walking boldly towards the danger or adventure at the end of every series.
What I know is in my brokenness I am healing. In my sadness I am still happy in my anxiety there is peace. Where I felt the need to rush twenty-one sat me down and said sweetie. This journey wasn't for the sprinter. It's okay to take your time. So, while I am delighted that 22 is here, I am still gathering the gold of 21 as always. Be well you are worthy happy New Year.
Be well; you are worthy